Understanding Your Sexual Response with Brakes and Accelerators
When it comes to sex, many people think of desire as something you either have—or don’t. But what if I told you that sexual desire is less like a switch and more like a car?
This is where the concept of “brakes and accelerators” comes in. It's a model popularized by sex researcher Dr. Emily Nagoski and originally developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft. It’s one of the most helpful frameworks we use in sex therapy to understand how desire works.
The Basics: Two Systems at Play
Your sexual response is regulated by two systems:
Accelerators: These are the things that turn you on. Flirting, feeling connected, sexy music, a lingering touch—anything your brain interprets as a sexual cue can hit the gas pedal and increase arousal.
Brakes: These are the things that turn you off. Stress, fatigue, body image worries, unresolved relationship conflict, or even the sound of kids in the next room can hit the brakes and shut desire down—sometimes even before it starts.
Often, people come to sex therapy saying, “I just don’t feel desire anymore,” or “I used to want sex more.” They assume the problem is with their “accelerator”—that they need more stimulation or novelty.
But just as often, it’s the brakes that are being pushed.
You can press the gas pedal all you want, but if your brain is constantly pulling the brake—because you’re stressed, disconnected, anxious, or ashamed—desire won't kick in. And that’s not a personal failing. It’s just how your nervous system works!
In therapy, we explore:
What’s pressing your brakes?
What helps press your accelerator?
How can you and your partner create more space for pleasure—and less pressure?
It's Not a Problem to Solve, It's a Pattern to Understand!
Everyone has a different sensitivity to brakes and accelerators. Some people are more responsive to external cues, others need deep emotional safety. Some people have high-performance accelerators and supersensitive brakes, while others are the opposite.
There’s no "normal" here—only your normal.
Understanding your unique mix can take the shame out of mismatched desire, rekindle intimacy, and help you and your partner work with your bodies and minds, not against them.
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected from your sexuality, you’re not broken. You’re human. And with curiosity and support, you can learn to navigate your inner brakes and accelerators—and reconnect with desire on your terms.
